31 March, 2007

Anyone want a tuchis massage?

Maybe it's because I'm full of sugar-on-snow (a local specialty, which for some reason come with a donut and pickles), but this website for the Russian and Turkish Baths in NYC just left me giggling for minutes on end. Here are some of my favorite passages (with spelling and punctuation precisely as I found it):

Here the Russian strongman or woman, will pound, squeeze, unwind and de-tense muscles you didn't even know you had.

Lie down while in the Russian steam room and a platza specialist will scrub you (actually beat you) with a broom made of fresh oak leaves, sopping with olive oil soap.

Select from the fragrant smelling soaps, such as lavender, eucalyptus, peppermint, or hemp and our professional will wash you like you haven’t been bathed in months.

Slough off the dead skin with the exfoliating pleasures that is countless millenniums old. [countless millenniums??]

No one seems self-conscious, lounging or walking in almost naked bliss, whether their body resembles Jackie Gleason or an Olympic Russian Gymnast.

Another ten people are hanging out in the Russian Room, filling up buckets-and before passing out-dumping it over their heads. "Feels. Good", says a lady named Paula, who barbecues herself once a week here.

When the heat starts to get unbearable, take one of the dozens of buckets around the room, fill it with ice cold water, and like the Russians hundreds of years before you have done, dump it over your head. Now don't be self-conscious because as you will soon notice, everyone is dousing themselves with buckets of water. In that sheer moment as the ice-cold water pours over you, comes one of the most enjoyable moments you will ever experience. It is sheer delight.

So just kick off your shoes and take-off your clothes and we'll give you a robe, some slippers and all the towels you want. You'll be in for a new old-world pleasure of being totally relaxed and spanking clean.


Anonymous said...

Spanking clean, eh?


clairebearkiss said...

awesome! a friend of mine has been telling me how awesome the russian baths are, and we've made a date to go in may. i'll let you know how it goes

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