12 April, 2009

on going to a party at night

I had a lot of real ups and downs tonight, but not in the usual way. I felt like an empty vessel, which sometimes had energy coming out of it--seemingly from nowhere, or from everywhere-- and then had simply nothing. Zilch. No thoughts, nothing to say, just content to observe.

When I had energy, I all of a sudden was witty, interested/ing, and honestly felt like I was fully present in the moment, that I and whoever I was talking with were creating something. Like improv. No preconceived thoughts or plans. And then, zap, it would be gone, and I'd feel sort of tired but more just wide-eyed and spaced out, and I was really really watching other people, fully, like they were in a zoo or on TV. I was captivated by their conversations that were happening right next to me (but felt 10 feet away).

I experienced some depressing thoughts as well, which hasn't happened yet in this cleanse, but that I gather are a pretty normal side effect. I also completely fell out of agreement with actual time, and every fiber of my being felt like it was hours earlier than it actually was. I couldn't help but feel disappointed when the grocery stores were all closed (I accidentally ran out of lemons for tomorrow morning's prep) and my fiance was already in bed and too sleepy to discuss my big meaningful insights.

Now I'm waiting to crash. I'm really tired of living out of my car. I'm emotionally overwhelmed by returning to Boone after 4 years away and only staying for 30 minutes. I'm confused about the myriad of feelings that I had while watching my best friend perform at the party tonight: I always knew how kinetic and vivacious and talented she secretly was, but when did it stop being a secret? When did she turn into this gypsy siren? I feel strangely protective about her for some reason, and I hope I hope I hope it's not, well, maybe envy.

I should probably try to go to sleep now. Oh, one more thing that has me slightly worried: I tried busting out my new accordion tonight, and came to grips (literally) with how incredibly heavy it is. And huge. Will I get stronger and manage to wrangle it, or is this a big problem? Too tough to decide tonight. I have named him Klaus.

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